Growing Cold

I don't understand whats been happening to me lately.

I grew up with an alcoholic somewhat mental father and a depressive, timid hippy of a mother. But despite their faults they were both fairly moral people who taught me to care about others, sacrifice etc.

But the last few years, and especially the last few months I've felt myself growing more distant and nihilistic about other people, and even myself. I'm not angry with people, or particularly depressed about my own situation. I've just kind of shut off.

I can only deduce that it is a defense mechanism against all the fucked up, traumatizing shit I've been through the last few years. I've seen every aspect of drug addiction, legal trouble, near deaths, actual deaths, suicides, disease etc. I think my mind has finally just decided "NO MORE!". I feel bad about it afterwards sometimes, but at the time of the crisis I just shut off completely. I feel as if I'm becoming a sociopath (which I think is impossible...I think it's a birth thing).

I feel that it's hard for me to show love, or receive love. My sex drive has decreased dramatically since the spring/beggining of summer. I find myself saying very fucked up things. I find myself using people and later trying to justify it. I'm going to great lengths to hurt people who have hurt me. I am being psychologically vindictive.

I don't know if this is from my life experiences or from my illness, but I haven't experienced such incredible sociopathic nihilism since I was 17 or 18.